The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
