he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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