Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
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I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
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