Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
