why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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