i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
