It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
