just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just forgot I was standing up.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
