fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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