clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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