people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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