Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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