I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
