I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
someone owes me an orgasm
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
