The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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