I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
