All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
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I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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