She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
