my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
