Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
