I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
