and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
