did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
