Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
