I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
