i think i have two assholes
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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