The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
