I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
