i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
