We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
