I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
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