It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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