The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
