I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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