Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
