I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
