Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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