She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so let's talk penis.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
