Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just googled if crying burns calories
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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