He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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