Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
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