my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
