when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
