I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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