last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
