Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
