Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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