dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
well you can't waste a boner
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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