Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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