I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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