made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
