i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
