You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
