I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
