also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
