last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
